M A C V A Y S I A

One thing that has struck me about parenthood is how caring for my child as well as myself can lead to situations that one might describe as bittersweet. That is, being a parent can often make one feel a little sad, even though one is really happier than ever. Not really sad but you know, there’s a beautiful tinge of sadness there. It’s hard to explain.

The best example I can give is the daily routine of dropping Alisdair off at the nursery. We follow the same routine every day: I help him put on his shoes and we walk out into the corridor and sometimes look at birds flying by; we walk down the corridor, or sometimes we run, leaving a trail of laughter, or sometimes he’s cranky so I carry him; we wait for the lift, and get in, and sometimes I let him press the buttons and he pushes at the door once we reach G and thinks he’s the one who opened it; we walk along the ground floor, past the motorcycle parking, past the playground; I hold him up and he pushes the doorbell at the nursery; someone opens the door and it’s time to say goodbye.

Most days, when we step into the nursery, Alisdair will cling to me and cry and refuse to go with the teacher. Sometimes it’s possible to distract him with a shiny toy, usually a car or a ball, and I can duck out. But most of the time he’s crying when I close the door. Even if we’ve managed to distract him, sometimes he notices I’m gone after the door has closed and I can hear him crying as I round the corner to go to my car. I know it’s nothing, that he’ll be fine after a few minutes…but I always feel a little sad.

Then there are those rare days, once a week or maybe once every two weeks, when we’ll follow the routine as usual, but when the door opens I put him down and he just walks away, either into the arms of the teacher or off to some uncharted area of the nursery to play with a racing car or a dump truck or a ball or some of his little giggling friends. I smile and back away unnoticed and close the door behind me. As I walk to the car I feel a sense of relief that he didn’t cry. But then…I feel a little sad anyway.

I was going to say I can’t win, but it’s all good, I’ve won already.